My, Doesn't Time Fly When You're Having Fun

All too soon, my return to work is upon me. It's funny because before Lucy, I thought I could never be a stay at home mother. Now, I don't know how to survive NOT being one. Course, it helps that I know a few other SAHMs, so I'd have people to see and places to go. Maybe even things to do, who knows? But, I refuse to drown this post in my feelings of guilt and anxiety set in by going back to work because it is a matter that is out of my hands. Plainly put, the income and benefits are necessary for our family's survival right now. She is with one of my oldest and very closest friends and my employer is allowing me to go part time, so I have more advantages than most mothers. Certainly, no right to complain.

Since this is my blog and my first real post since her birth, be warned that much of the rest of this will be shameless bragging and/ or mushy emotional ranting. No pictures though. Sorry, I just don't have the trust to put her out there for ALL to see. I'll be happy to email pics to you if you ask. Goodness knows I love to show her off.

Okay, on to the bragging- but where to start? Oh, how about the fact that she has been sleeping peacefully through the night since about 4 weeks? Or that she wakes up happy and smiling, ready to start the day? (Andy says she blossoms each morning because when she is unwrapped from her swaddling, her arms spring free and she stretches like an old cat in the sunlight. It's a very apt description.) Maybe you'd like to hear about how beautiful she is? Or how well behaved, crying only when hungry? Oooh, ooh, I know, we can talk about how when it is bed time, the only thing we have to do is wrap her up tight and lay her down. No rocking or paci necessary.

In all honesty, I can talk all day about that stuff, but it's not what really matters. What does matter is the incredible joy she brings to me just by being. Every morning, I look forward to her waking up, so that I can see her face. And when she is observing her surroundings, you can just watch her learning- the way she wrinkles her brow when something or someone new is put in front of her, how she coos back and forth with you as though having a real conversation, the intense studying of her newly found feet when she is held sitting up. Her expressions are worth a thousand words.

What else matters? The sweet goodness of Lucy's breath on my face when I'm holding her close. The mornings of napping together and how her tiny body cuddles next to my much larger one, yet still manages to take up most of the bed. The priceless moments of seeing her snuggled into the crook of Andy's neck, him talking softly in her ear of his love and devotion to her. The fact that when she is upset or scared, she already knows she can depend on us to make it all better. Watching her face light up when you pick her up after time apart. It's all priceless.

Also, let's not forget the just plain silly fun times. Every morning, we sit together on the bed with no other distractions and sing songs or just practice sounds. Sometimes, Lucy stares at and talks to her favorite toy, Froggie and Andy and I will simply laugh at her antics. Razzberries and tickling are finally bringing a smile to her face; hopefully soon to be followed up with what I'm sure will be belly shaking giggles. Her humor feeds off the grins of the grown-ups around her, the bigger you smile, the bigger she will too. Sometimes, they get so big, it seems as though her faces disappears in the ear to ear- ness of it all.

Among these memory making moments are bittersweet times. It hurts my heart to know that Daddy never will meet his only blood tied grandchild. He doesn't know that I named her Lucy in honor of him and his mother. Though, I like to think that he's watching us from wherever his path brought him. It's hard to drop her off with her new sitter each morning and know that a long day of separation awaits. You count the hours and minutes until it's time to rush home, only to find her fast asleep, putting your reunion on hold for a while longer.

Hard to describe is an understatement when it comes to the feeling of having her in my life. She brings such light and warmth to my days, yet also a lot of pain and worry. There's nothing so difficult as looking at your precious sleeping baby and realizing that you cannot protect her from the harsh realities that the world will throw her way. There is this intense desire to scoop her up and carry her to a far off place where crime and danger don't exist, but that place is yet to be found. Instead, you solemnly vow to do everything in your power to fill her life with the happiness that she fills yours with and pray the plan is successful.

Strange how nobody really talks about these things. When you are pregnant, everybody has advice or tidbits of information, “Get all the sleep you can NOW.” “Don't pick the baby up too much, you'll spoil her!” “Your life is over for the next 18 years.” “You're going to love being a mom.” Yet, nobody mentions the deep down truth- that this baby will break and mend your heart everyday. Emotions that you've never experienced or thought possible come rushing in the second you hear that first wail in the delivery room. Personally, I still can't watch the birth video without tearing and choking up. Rarely do you hear how you'll feel like your heart and chest are going to explode with the intensity of the love. No mention of the fear from when they finally do sleep through the night and you are just sure that something is wrong. A lot of talk is made about the seemingly endless feedings, but no word of what it's like to be the sole provider to this dependent, vulnerable yet totally trusting little person. How humbling this gift can be is never understood until it is happening.

There is nothing in the world like it. Welcome to the world my precious little one.